Gloria Steinem, Journalist

"Most women's magazines simply try to mold women into bigger and better consumers."

It's a perfect ploy, and certain magazines whose names begin with “C” do it all the time. First, make women paranoid about how they look with articles about “How To Shed That Winter Lard” and “Are You Ancient at 25?” Then fill your pages with diet formulas and makeup and a hundred other things to make women lose their minds. No wonder there are so many Ally McBeals out there seeing giant babies and hallucinating on dates.

Tallulah Bankhead, Actress/Talk Show Host

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes – only sooner."

Mistakes are the stuff of true happiness. How many happy times can you remember in which everything came off without a hitch? Unless you had a perfect wedding, probably not one. And I don't believe anyone in the history of man or woman has ever had a good time at a wedding anyway. And if they did they were so sozzled they don't remember it.

Chances are, the stories you laugh about over and over are all about that stupid thing you did. You know it's true. Don't even try to pretend.


Click here for more information on Ms Bankhead.

Sue Grafton, Author

"If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them." ~ Sue Grafton

And yet you see them everywhere. I can't figure it out—how some women and all drag queens can spend hours and hours with all their weight on the balls of their feet, balancing their heels on pencils without murdering anyone.

Jan King

"Whoever thought up the word 'mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone." ~ Jan King

Ok, this one almost made me wet myself. I seem to have humor-related incontinence.

Catherine Aird

“If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.” ~ Catherine Aird

The latter sounds much more fun, doesn't it? It's like the difference between a complete boozer and a health nut—it's much better to be a complete boozer. Don't believe me? Take a good look next time you see someone partying it up. They're grinning from ear to ear, hugging friends. Hugging strangers. Hugging all sorts of things. The typical jogger is alone and looking as though he would very much like to slit his wrists.

Lily Tomlin

“Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.” ~ Lily Tomlin

This reminds me of a friend of mine. He wasn't exactly obsessed with comedy/tragedy masks, but they sure popped up a lot when he was around. The fact that he was a ballet dancer probably had something to do with that. Anyway, one day he told me all about the bumper sticker on his car which, predictably, had drama masks on it. (That was the only predictable thing about him.) The sticker said, “If you don't laugh, you're gonna cry.” We were in his car on the way to the burial of one of his colleagues. As we drove through the gate, he said, “There's been a problem with this graveyard.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked in all my gullibility.

“Yeah,” he said with a completely straight face. “People are dying to get in.”

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